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Epitome by Aranov

 
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achemel



Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 555
Location: up for debate

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:26 am    Post subject: Epitome by Aranov Reply with quote

I thought there was a poetry thread somewhere around here but for the sake of making this easier for Aranov, the author, to find I'm just making a new thread.

This is a poem called Epitome by Aranov on DeviantArt. I found it interesting and asked if I could translate it, so here it is in Halm, which I thought was more pleasing to the eye (and it says "by Aranov" in the top right corner), and also in ra cel, which I thought was more pleasing to the ear. I will post romanization and/or IPA/X-SAMPA upon request.
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I have some small knowledge of:
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I would like to learn:
(more) Chinese, Swedish, Italian, German, Indonesian, Tagalog, Gaelic
Main conlangs:
ddamachel, tadvaradcel, ra cel, lashel, hemnalg, nomah
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Tolkien_Freak



Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 1231
Location: in front of my computer. always.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does the Halm do that back-and-forth normally, or is that a stylistic addition? And the ra cel looks pretty awesome anyway.
(And I do want romanization and a gloss at least. ^_^)

Emitare:
Eutje evui, ureyane, tora -
Erulime kerelhe tora -
Ryamare eulhe, enjele larelhe, erute tjirelhe eruli.
Zekaze taraluzje, udjaruzjine lelhe seruze kesu
(deke katamyarune keyu)
Lesuilhe turale?

eat-NOM\STAT want-NOM, silence, fear -
exist-NEG-NOM-LOC-ESS thing-DEM-POSS\ATT fear -
home-LOC-ESS-ATT meal-POSS\ATT, love-ATT voice-POSS\ATT, hold-ATT hand-POSS\ATT exist-NEG-NOM.
method-INTERROG-INST take-POT, die-POT-ATT person-POSS\ATT tool-INST thing-SG (='only')
(ink tree-ESS-PAST-ATT thing-and)
lonely-NOM-POSS\ATT tall-NOM\STAT?

'Wanting to eat, silence, fear -
The fear of those things is in the nonexistence -
The nonexistence of a meal at home, a voice you love, a hand you hold.
By what method can we get, with only the tool of a person who can die
(ink and that which was a tree)
The height of loneliness?'

(I'm using 'essive' now for the making-a-noun-a-copula inflection)

Japanese:
空腹、無言、懸念 -
その恐れは有無にある -
家でのご飯、愛しい声、握る手の有無に。
それならどうやって取れるのか、死ぬ者の道具だけで
(墨と木であった者)
一人ぼっちの摘記を?
kuufuku, mugon, kenen -
sono osore wa umu ni aru -
uchi de no gohan, itoshii koe, nigiru te no umu ni.
sore nara dou yatte toreru no ka, shinu mono no dougu dake de
(sumi to ki deatta mono)
hitoribocchi no tekki wo?


I'll gloss the Japanese if people want - it's not a particularly interesting gloss (nothing notable really happens).
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achemel



Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 555
Location: up for debate

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Halm is a bit stylized, mostly because it's a poem and the curves taken by the writing reflect the intonation and my own personal feeling about the poem. I could write it normally if you'd like to see that.

I wouldn't say the ra cel version looks bad, but compared to Halm in this particular example I just thought it looked kind of plain. It certainly was much easier to do. Wink

Also, your Emitare translation looks like it would be fun to say. I've been rolling it around in my head for a few minutes.
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I have some small knowledge of:
English, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Spanish, French
I would like to learn:
(more) Chinese, Swedish, Italian, German, Indonesian, Tagalog, Gaelic
Main conlangs:
ddamachel, tadvaradcel, ra cel, lashel, hemnalg, nomah
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Tolkien_Freak



Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 1231
Location: in front of my computer. always.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

achemel wrote:
The Halm is a bit stylized, mostly because it's a poem and the curves taken by the writing reflect the intonation and my own personal feeling about the poem. I could write it normally if you'd like to see that.

It's really pretty! It's awesome that you can do that in Halm.
Might be interesting to see the normal version as comparison, but if it's a lot of work you don't need to.

Quote:
I wouldn't say the ra cel version looks bad, but compared to Halm in this particular example I just thought it looked kind of plain. It certainly was much easier to do. Wink

Razz Yeah, it's straight ^_^
They both feel very sci-fi-y though, though in different ways.

Quote:
Also, your Emitare translation looks like it would be fun to say. I've been rolling it around in my head for a few minutes.

Thanks ^_^
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killerken



Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 134
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your Halm rendition brings back nightmares from studying e.e. cummings in high school! Wink

Here's my translation into Fỉðâ:


Gloss:
Hunger, quiet, fright-
Great-fright(S) in not-be to-be present-indicator-
Homey meal(Poss), loved voice(Poss), hand to-take.
How, so, with tool(Poss) man to-capture
(ink and what tree(DO) to-be past-ind)
Epitome(Poss) one-ness?

All the (Poss)'s mean that the word is possessed by something. Usually, the word immediately following is the possessor, like the mortal's tools (which I forgot to make plural). Wink Wink
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achemel



Joined: 29 Mar 2009
Posts: 555
Location: up for debate

PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

killerken wrote:
like the mortal's tools (which I forgot to make plural).

I think it was singular in the original, unless it makes more sense in your translation to be plural.


Here's the gloss for my translations:

Hemnälg:
Dana, mydëg, jyb
Särykis harc duvlår sjä sorgyc
Sjä jälural sibatt, älardel jolgutt, så ttämic pës.
Så dej hälongec, ijn mygas rëbjal
(um yr utt gyl alid söl lorn)
Tiv ranna?


/hunger-NOM silence-NOM fear-NOM/
/they(m)-of terror-NOM well-up-PRES not be(n)-in/
/NEG adorn-PAST meal-of love-PAST voice-of so hold-INF hand-of/
/so how capture-INF only human-of tool-with/
/ink-NOM and thing-NOM which once be-PAST3rd(f) tree-NOM/
/essence-NOM aloneness-of/


Ra cel:
Goma, lenef, nácor
Thna èinägh-dhegh by-gynia
Jw-n-lwidis i guysir jw-n-corèc a tusibë jw-n-cnylec sa buvagh
Öj, daë, sa äncen, gr-aweï ubhi jw-mejẁc
(gräfî-s-cnù iagë n-hâẅj éch)
Timêlt jw-öfèlir?


/hunger, silence, fear/
/lie-PRES terror-theirs(3rd) in-absence/
/of-a-meal a1n1 plain of-a-voice 1an2 love-PAST of-a-hand hold-INF/
/how, then, capture-INF with-only tool of-mortal/
/graphite-and-which be-PAST a-tree once/
/epitome of-alone.adj./


Also, here's the plain style for the Hemnälg version.
_________________
I have some small knowledge of:
English, Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Spanish, French
I would like to learn:
(more) Chinese, Swedish, Italian, German, Indonesian, Tagalog, Gaelic
Main conlangs:
ddamachel, tadvaradcel, ra cel, lashel, hemnalg, nomah
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killerken



Joined: 30 Sep 2008
Posts: 134
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 12:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're right, it is singular. Is "w" a vowel in Ra-cel? That "Jw-n-lw" cluster seems very intimidating, if it's not.
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